Top Ten Pieces of Random Advice

Not that you asked, but yes, I do have an opinion.

Unsolicited instructions from me, the barred owl/polar bear/Swedish Afghan hound, full-time general expert (or, if none of those metaphors work, the trained, certified, “success coach”. Which is real, and also, embarrassing).

Photo by Charlota Blunarova on Unsplash

1. Be nice to people. If you can treat the annoying old temp with the glasses on a string and the complete inability to figure out how to use the copier with kindness, then when you get old and wear your glasses on a string, things will go easier for you.

2. Refrain from road rage. Fighting with other drivers is just toxic masculinity with metal and airbags. Out-of-pocket street aggression provides a perfect opportunity to practice boundary setting, i.e. giving out a fake phone number just to get that tailgater in the Toyota Forerunner off your back. Try pulling over and letting them pass. Hoard your peace.

3. Peanut putter is the key to everything. (Unless you’re allergic.) If you have low blood sugar but don’t want to take the time or spend the carbs on a real meal, a spoonful of peanut butter will dampen your ghrelin like water on a birthday candle.

4. Keep going into the cave. Over time the crystals in there will start to become familiar with you and agree to reflect some light. The light in you will namaste them, and the cave will lighten, and the terrified amorphous blob of your inner disowned glitter slime will come and wrap herself around you like a tree monkey.

5. Don’t be a knee-jerk hater on technology. You don’t have to embrace AI. Don’t use it for creative work, or do, but realize you’re choosing to be a wretched cyborg. Having said that, AI will infiltrate your life, in the way of the PC or the cell phone, rendering the before times hazy and irrelevant. You can either learn how this works and how to use it, or you can spend the rest of your life shaking a fist.

6. This one will be controversial. Learn how compound interest works. This is not about avocado toast or coffee shop overspending. Just take this in-- money is a tool that can be used to make more money. There, I said it. Have I been broke, or drowning in credit card debt, or sitting crying on the steps of the only apartment I can afford, which seems worse than winding up at the bottom of a lake? Yes. Yes, I have. But the reality of how hard it is to save money doesn’t mitigate the fact that if you do, and you put it into an index fund, it will grow all by itself like the potted olive plant I bought at Trader Joe’s six years ago, that now bears olives in my front yard. I find this fact motivating, that putting money away rather than spending it means it will proliferate and magically make more money. If you are young, the effects of compound interest are insane. Look into it.

7. When dealing with narcissists, learn to have one conversation in your head with yourself, where the strain of cognitive dissonance is real and you can pat yourself on the back for recognizing the parameters of the N’s self-serving narrative, and the second conversation, with them, where you remain bland and unthreatening, so they don’t decide to turn their wrath on you. Allow them to prattle on while you, like Lizzie Bennet, go braid your sister’s hair or read a book. Create a mantra about your personal power that you repeat silently while they snarl and hiss at you, to no effect.

8. Never engage in conversations with people about their recent brainwashing. If you find yourself on the receiving end of talking points, just ask clarifying questions until the person runs out of memorized paranoid fantasies. Or, smile and tell them you love them, and offer them a cookie. This is similar to number 7, only with more affection and genuine concern.

9. Do your creative work. And dance. And hold sing-offs in the kitchen. In these dark and scary times, anything that smacks of life-affirmation is an act of rebellion. Sink into this. No need to adopt outward signs of defiance, such as tattoos or piercings, unless they appeal to you. I myself, too old for ink, like to pass for a bland old lady. No need for them to know I am actually a giant, winged creature who can instantly shave their head with my talons. That’s for emergencies.

10. Get around people. Much has been said about touching grass. I am mildly allergic to grass but I love trees, so I have my ways of balancing the mayhem. But nothing beats finding friends or loved ones and simply remembering what it means to be a social animal, in the safety of a group. Covid took this from us, and we haven’t gotten it all the way back, to the cost of our mental health.

11. I love a gentle rain playlist. Helps with sleep.